As most teachers do at some point in their career I recently got the flu and lost my voice. I’m not sure why I was so surprised as it is one of the most common conditions that teachers suffer with, with the exception I suppose of stress, but people don't tend to talk about going off with stress where is they do talk about the trials and tribulations around your voice.
Having felt unwell for a little while I genuinely believed that I was getting better when I'm coughing fits left me with a bruised throat. In an unusual action for me I decided to take myself off to the doctor's, better safe and sorry to be told that if I wanted to avoid permanently damaging my voice I needed to be quiet completely quiet for the next three days. At the mere suggestion that maybe I could go to work and not talk, the doctor was notably unimpressed and I asked whether I was genuinely serious about getting better. At this point I decided it was probably best to start resting and just accept that I had to stay at home and keep my mouth shut for three days.
In my somewhat fever addled brain I believed that I would spend 3 days productively doing all the work that I wanted to catch up on but haven't been able to because other things have been getting in the way. I think I was experiencing something very common for teachers which is the denial of being unwell. I sat down at my desk at home, having emailed everyone I love to tell them what the doctor said, with the intention I'm doing some really fantastic. I planned to spend three days marking with the depth and clarity of feedback that I always want to give. However it became very clear very quickly that I was far too unwell to actually do this. The most I was able to do in those three days was write a detailed email sending in cover work which, in my heart of hearts I know wasn't done, but I felt better knowing that I've done my part of the bargain.
I try not to speculate too much on what if but I can't help but wonder whether, had I given up a little sooner and taken some time off when I first started to feel unwell whether I would have been able to avoid all of this. As teachers, we genuinely believe that are students won't be able to do it without us, that we are indispensable. I do still believed to an extent this is true the reason why I didn't take the time off is because I know how close the A-level exams are. There is the constant pressure both from the students and from above to get the results. Results are key, and you do whatever it takes to get them and that's what I was feeding off. The sad fact is I knew full well but I was putting my health at risk and that I was in danger of doing permanent damage to my voice which is the main tool of the trade because in the forefront of my mind was results and targets. This is just wrong.
I'm a great believer in setting goals and trying to stick to them maybe this is why I was so focused on my achievement data and not allowing my illness to get in the way that I allowed this to happen. So I'm setting myself a new set of goals. I need to stay focused on the results but I also need to see them in context. I can't sit the exam for the students and I am no use if I am unwell and overwhelmed that I can't function. I'm taking this opportunity to have a change of attitude. I became a teacher because I was so stressed and unhappy that the way sometimes where I really didn't see the point of going on. I need to do everything in my power to ensure that teaching doesn't get like that as well . I'm embarking on a new regime of self-care where are far more strict with myself on what I eat how much sleep and relaxation I get, regular exercise and not allowing my work life to dominate my whole life.
