During the exam...

I'm currently experiencing a very strange and uncomfortable feeling. At this precise second my AS students are sitting their AS law exams. It's the first "real" exam. We're had dozens and dozens of practice tests in exam conditions which they were threatened, bullied and bribed into working for but everyone always knew it didn't really "matter" and they were never really "alone" with it. Today it really matters and they are completely on their own.

4 minutes in -they should have read the paper and be half way through question 1

I always struggle when looking up and down at their little face staring up at me whilst they are sitting in the exam hall ready to start. I feel that I am personally responsible for this torment and what I see is that they are begging me to help them, like I always promised I would but this time I can't.

10 minutes in - finishing question 1, starting question 2 

I've been second guessing myself for days, I've done this a fair few times now and I know that I know my stuff but my confidence in my convictions has all but gone. I'm constantly thinking "what if, what if, what if". I know from experience that the thoughts and feelings I am feeling is similar to those of the students right now. The difference is that I can't do anything about the outcome now and my students can do everything about it.

18 minutes in - last few seconds on question 2 

I have to ask myself what I ask the students. Can you look yourself in the eye in the mirror and honestly say that you did everything you could? Then you can do nothing more and whatever the outcome you can feel proud of your achievement. Only time will tell if it was really enough.

90 minutes completed - End of the exam

I spoke to the students as they came out of the exam hall, lots of smiles. Apparently it was exactly as we'd told them and one student said "you know Miss, you're a really good teacher", the tone tells me that this exam has changed his opinion from earlier. Hopefully he'll still be saying this when he gets his results!

Teacher - no voice

As most teachers do at some point in their career I recently got the flu and lost my voice. I’m not  sure why I was so surprised as it is one of the most common conditions that teachers suffer with, with the exception I suppose of stress, but people don't tend to talk about going off with stress where is they do talk about the trials and tribulations around your voice.

Having felt unwell for a little while I genuinely believed that I was getting better when I'm coughing fits left me with a bruised throat. In an unusual action for me I decided to take myself off to the doctor's, better safe and sorry to be told that if I wanted to avoid permanently damaging my voice I needed to be quiet completely quiet for the next three days. At the mere suggestion that maybe I could go to work and not talk, the doctor was notably unimpressed and I asked whether I was genuinely serious about getting better. At this point I decided it was probably best to start resting and just accept that I had to stay at home and keep my mouth shut for three days.

In my somewhat fever addled brain I believed that I would spend 3 days productively doing all the work that I wanted to catch up on but haven't been able to because other things have been getting in the way. I think I was experiencing something very common for teachers which is the denial of being unwell. I sat down at my desk at home, having emailed everyone I love to tell them what the doctor said, with the intention I'm doing some really fantastic. I planned to spend three days marking with the depth and clarity of feedback that I always want to give. However it became very clear very quickly that I was far too unwell to actually do this. The most I was able to do in those three days was write a detailed email sending in cover work which, in my heart of hearts I know wasn't done, but I felt better knowing that I've done my part of the bargain.

I try not to speculate too much on what if but I can't help but wonder whether, had I given up a little sooner and taken some time off when I first started to feel unwell whether I would have been able to avoid all of this. As teachers, we genuinely believe that are students won't be able to do it without us, that we are indispensable. I do still believed to an extent this is true the reason why I didn't take the time off is because I know how close the A-level exams are. There is the constant pressure both from the students and from above to get the results. Results are key, and you do whatever it takes to get them and that's what I was feeding off. The sad fact is I knew full well but I was putting my health at risk and that I was in danger of doing permanent damage to my voice which is the main tool of the trade because in the forefront of my mind was results and targets. This is just wrong.

I'm a great believer in setting goals and trying to stick to them maybe this is why I was so focused on my achievement data and not allowing my illness to get in the way that I allowed this to happen. So I'm setting myself a new set of goals. I need to stay focused on the results but I also need to see them in context. I can't sit the exam for the students and I am no use if I am unwell and overwhelmed that I can't function. I'm taking this opportunity to have a change of attitude. I became a teacher because I was so stressed and unhappy  that the way sometimes where I really didn't see the point of going on. I need to do everything in my power to ensure that teaching doesn't get like that as well . I'm embarking on a new regime of self-care where are far more strict with myself on what I eat how much sleep and relaxation I get, regular exercise and not allowing my work life to dominate my whole life.

Mindfulness in the law classroom - part 1

A level and BTEC law students are a stress ridden bunch. Its usually only a few month in to their qualifications that they start to feel the full weight of exactly what it is they are doing and as they get further through it only gets worse. These qualifications will have a very real impact on their future prospects. They realise that two marks one way or the other in an exam really can make the difference between securing that prized solicitors training contract and going to the job centre.

As a teacher I know that students need to be taking their studies seriously from day one but, at the same time, I am wracked with guilt about the impact this has on their lives. I feel very responsible that they feel the pressure in such an acute way and so I decided that I had to build in to lessons some coping techniques to help them deal with the stress of being a student in an increasingly competitive world.

Mindfulness

I know I'm a little late to the party with the idea of mindfulness meditation in class but it took me a while to understand enough about how mindfulness works to know how to incorporate it into my teaching. The college employs a fantastic student support worker called Anastasia who came and taught my A2 students and myself in a full length session and this was the overview of what she told us. I'm still reflecting on exactly what we were told but the overwhelming take away for me was that we have to do something with this.

The theme of the session was the assertion that feeling overwhelmed with stress is not a fore-drawn conclusion and we do have a choice. To illustrate this Anastasia first of all she showed us this video below with details all of the horrible things that stress does to your body.

Anastasia then went on to explain the concept of 'neuroplasticity' which is a recent discovered ability for the human brain to change and adapt over time. Our brains are not fixed and we have the ability to train our brain in the same way that we build and sculpt our bodies through exercise. Essentially, the more anxious we become and the more we worry about things the better we become at worrying, but we can train our brains to worry less by practicing mindfulness. The video below shows the impact of mindfulness on our brains.

The session plenary was a five minute guided mindfulness meditation which is focusing on breathing in order to try to prevent being bombarded with constant sporadic thoughts. The aim is to reduce the feelings of stress by letting go of all other thoughts and just focus on the 'now'. It is easier said than done.

I was so proud of my learners because they all gave it a go, whether or not they bought in to the idea. I have to admit that, although I closed my eyes and stayed still I listened to the students the whole way through but I didn't hear a single noise from them. At about 4 minutes in I had a look around and they all had their eyes closed and were perfectly still.  I don't think I've ever been so proud of them.

The best part about the session was feedback I received from students afterwards. I had several students tell me that, for a few moments at least, they felt really at peace and in the 'now' for the first time in months. They achieved a momentary escape from the stress they usually feels. This was enough to make me a convert and over the next few weeks I'm going to make a plan as to how to embed these practices further into my teaching.